Alone...

I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Everyone says things happen for a reason. Well, I'd like to know why exactly what's happening is happening. I didn't ask for this. If this is my cross to bare I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired and worn out. Physically and Emotionally. I don't understand it. I want to be done. I need to be done. Everytime I try I get hit with something else again. I'm sick of everyone telling me that it will get better eventually. I don't want eventually, I want it to be better now. I'm tired of people telling me to get over it. Trust me, I'm trying. It makes it ridiculously hard to get over it when it's flaunted in your face everyday and when things are taken and blow up into something so much bigger.

You wanted to hurt me. Well, congraulations...you did in more ways than one.

Some days....

Are harder than others. That's all there is to it. I still can't get what happened out of my head. He cheated. The entire relationship was a mistake, worse yet it was a lie. It's so hard to know that I was in love with someone who doesn't even exist. To know that when someone said he loved you, he didn't mean it because he had someone else on the side. I finally was feeling so much better about myself and I wasn't enough for someone. It hurts so bad. Talk about a huge blow to the self esteem. He cheated...the worst part it was with someone I thought was my friend. Ha. Friend, yeah awesome friend. Whatever I guess. I don't understand why tonight is so much harder than all the other nights for the past two months. Maybe it's because that was my first relationship and it crashed and burned. I feel like an idiot. All the signs were there and I totally ignored them. Bah. At least I realized he wasn't what I wanted before it was too late, right? I hate him. I hate him for wasting my time. I hate him for making it hard to let anyone else in. I hate him for being the first person that I said I love you to. I hate him for saying it back to me and not meaning a word of it. I hate that part of me is still in love with the person I thought he was. I hate it. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Maybe one day I'll understand why in the world it had to happen this way.

Oh well....life goes on.

On a positive note I found out I can text on my iPad!

Happy Moments...

Today I had probably the biggest blonde moment of my life. A very cute guy came up to me and asked for my number....he meant my work extension, but I was blinded by his beauty and totally gave him my cell number. Oops. Haha needless to say he walked away rather quickly. I'm sure it's safe to say I won't be seeing him again. Oh well. It was kind of funny :)


Anyway, I think it's funny how the Lord likes to remind you that decisions you make are the right decisions. You all know I was very close to being engaged. I had a dress picked, a date picked, colors, ring for him and a ring for me. The only problem was putting the ring on my finger. There were a few red flags, but I chose to ignore them because how could they be bad? Turns out after a very long conversation with someone I love and respect as well as an amazing blessing I knew that ending the relationship was the right choice. It's way hard to look at someone and tell them you love them, but can't be with them. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
I learned a few weeks later that he had another girlfriend. So much for being in love with me right? Well a month has gone by and I've heard a lot of things about this person. I've lost so much respect for him. He lied straight to my face about so many things. Oh well, when it all comes down to it he'll have things he'll have to answer too and my forever won't be tied to his. He wasn't/isn't what I need or want for the rest of my life and I'm so thankful to my Father in Heaven for gently reminding me that someone else who is everything I have ever dreamed about is out there for me. I just have to paitent and let him find me. It's a happy day when you realize that you're worth having what you dream about. :)

Oh, and Spencer I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop following my blog. I want you out of my life...forever.