I've never felt more alone in my entire life. Everyone says things happen for a reason. Well, I'd like to know why exactly what's happening is happening. I didn't ask for this. If this is my cross to bare I don't want to do it anymore. I'm tired and worn out. Physically and Emotionally. I don't understand it. I want to be done. I need to be done. Everytime I try I get hit with something else again. I'm sick of everyone telling me that it will get better eventually. I don't want eventually, I want it to be better now. I'm tired of people telling me to get over it. Trust me, I'm trying. It makes it ridiculously hard to get over it when it's flaunted in your face everyday and when things are taken and blow up into something so much bigger.
You wanted to hurt me. Well, congraulations...you did in more ways than one.
Friday, January 13, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Some days....
Are harder than others. That's all there is to it. I still can't get what happened out of my head. He cheated. The entire relationship was a mistake, worse yet it was a lie. It's so hard to know that I was in love with someone who doesn't even exist. To know that when someone said he loved you, he didn't mean it because he had someone else on the side. I finally was feeling so much better about myself and I wasn't enough for someone. It hurts so bad. Talk about a huge blow to the self esteem. He cheated...the worst part it was with someone I thought was my friend. Ha. Friend, yeah awesome friend. Whatever I guess. I don't understand why tonight is so much harder than all the other nights for the past two months. Maybe it's because that was my first relationship and it crashed and burned. I feel like an idiot. All the signs were there and I totally ignored them. Bah. At least I realized he wasn't what I wanted before it was too late, right? I hate him. I hate him for wasting my time. I hate him for making it hard to let anyone else in. I hate him for being the first person that I said I love you to. I hate him for saying it back to me and not meaning a word of it. I hate that part of me is still in love with the person I thought he was. I hate it. I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Maybe one day I'll understand why in the world it had to happen this way.
Oh well....life goes on.
On a positive note I found out I can text on my iPad!
Oh well....life goes on.
On a positive note I found out I can text on my iPad!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Happy Moments...
Today I had probably the biggest blonde moment of my life. A very cute guy came up to me and asked for my number....he meant my work extension, but I was blinded by his beauty and totally gave him my cell number. Oops. Haha needless to say he walked away rather quickly. I'm sure it's safe to say I won't be seeing him again. Oh well. It was kind of funny :)
Anyway, I think it's funny how the Lord likes to remind you that decisions you make are the right decisions. You all know I was very close to being engaged. I had a dress picked, a date picked, colors, ring for him and a ring for me. The only problem was putting the ring on my finger. There were a few red flags, but I chose to ignore them because how could they be bad? Turns out after a very long conversation with someone I love and respect as well as an amazing blessing I knew that ending the relationship was the right choice. It's way hard to look at someone and tell them you love them, but can't be with them. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
I learned a few weeks later that he had another girlfriend. So much for being in love with me right? Well a month has gone by and I've heard a lot of things about this person. I've lost so much respect for him. He lied straight to my face about so many things. Oh well, when it all comes down to it he'll have things he'll have to answer too and my forever won't be tied to his. He wasn't/isn't what I need or want for the rest of my life and I'm so thankful to my Father in Heaven for gently reminding me that someone else who is everything I have ever dreamed about is out there for me. I just have to paitent and let him find me. It's a happy day when you realize that you're worth having what you dream about. :)
Oh, and Spencer I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop following my blog. I want you out of my life...forever.
Anyway, I think it's funny how the Lord likes to remind you that decisions you make are the right decisions. You all know I was very close to being engaged. I had a dress picked, a date picked, colors, ring for him and a ring for me. The only problem was putting the ring on my finger. There were a few red flags, but I chose to ignore them because how could they be bad? Turns out after a very long conversation with someone I love and respect as well as an amazing blessing I knew that ending the relationship was the right choice. It's way hard to look at someone and tell them you love them, but can't be with them. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever done.
I learned a few weeks later that he had another girlfriend. So much for being in love with me right? Well a month has gone by and I've heard a lot of things about this person. I've lost so much respect for him. He lied straight to my face about so many things. Oh well, when it all comes down to it he'll have things he'll have to answer too and my forever won't be tied to his. He wasn't/isn't what I need or want for the rest of my life and I'm so thankful to my Father in Heaven for gently reminding me that someone else who is everything I have ever dreamed about is out there for me. I just have to paitent and let him find me. It's a happy day when you realize that you're worth having what you dream about. :)
Oh, and Spencer I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop following my blog. I want you out of my life...forever.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Awkward moments define my life
Seriously, it's true. Awkward moments really do define my life. The other day I was sitting at a stop light and this dude was sitting in his car totally jamming out, so being the creeper that I am, I sat and watched him jam out. He had some amazing steering wheel drum skills and a wonderful air guitar going as far as the singing goes I can't grade that since it was like negative nine degrees outside and my windows were up. Well he totally caught me staring and started singing to me using his smart water as a microphone. He wasn't feeling awkward, but I sure did. I very quickly turned bright red and then turned back to stare out my wind shield. Yeah, I'll never stare at anyone playing air guitar again.
Anyway life is still pretty fantastic! I must say this is my favorite time of year! All the lights and something about this time of year that just makes dealing with people so much easier. Love it! I can't wait to go see the lights at Temple Square and Zoo lights! Woo for Christmas!
Can I just say that I hate anything that deals with cars because it's so complicated! It seems like every time I turn on my car a new light comes up! Grrr. I have to go to Jiffy Lube tomorrow and I'm so dreading that. Oh well I'lll put my big girl pants on and handle it! Wish me luck!
Monday, November 28, 2011
You make my heart stop...
AH! Five months of not blogging? I guess life got a little crazy. Guess it's time for an update, yeah?
First:
Remember the boy you all learned about? Well he is no more. After a lot of thought and a lot of time on my knees asking for guidance from my Father in Heaven, I decide the best thing for both of us was to end the relationship and go our separate ways. It was hard, but I'm happy and very confident I made the right decision.
Second:
I have the BEST calling in the whole wide world. I teach 5 year olds all about Jesus and the Gospel. Can it get much better than that? I submit that it can not! I love it so much! I even team teach with the BEST person ever as well.
Third:
I finally feel like I know that I'm on the right track and everything is going to be ok. I have the most wonderful support system in my family and friends that a girl could ever ask for. They are all very special to me. Sorry I lost sight of what was important, but now I know and won't ever lose sight of it again. I love you all!
Fourth:
Ever had someone that you enjoy talking to so much that your phone tends to be glued to your hand 24/7? Yeah, I've never done that....until now. BAH! I feel really silly at the moment. Mostly because I'm twenty-two and I feel like a little girl who's just developed her first crush. Oh goodness...what have I gotten myself into?! That's right I'm apparently a tad twitter patted. So twitter patted that the same song has been on repeat ALL day and I've had the dorkiest grin on my face all day as well. Oh well, he's pretty great.
Fifth:
I'm starting school again! Can I just say that I am not looking forward to having homework again? (that means less time to talk to said boy!) It's an English class I'm taking online so that means more time in my silly glasses. Oh well, it had to happen at one point in time. We'll see how it goes. Brit Lit here I come.
Well that's all the updates for now. Night blogger world.
First:
Remember the boy you all learned about? Well he is no more. After a lot of thought and a lot of time on my knees asking for guidance from my Father in Heaven, I decide the best thing for both of us was to end the relationship and go our separate ways. It was hard, but I'm happy and very confident I made the right decision.
Second:
I have the BEST calling in the whole wide world. I teach 5 year olds all about Jesus and the Gospel. Can it get much better than that? I submit that it can not! I love it so much! I even team teach with the BEST person ever as well.
Third:
I finally feel like I know that I'm on the right track and everything is going to be ok. I have the most wonderful support system in my family and friends that a girl could ever ask for. They are all very special to me. Sorry I lost sight of what was important, but now I know and won't ever lose sight of it again. I love you all!
Fourth:
Ever had someone that you enjoy talking to so much that your phone tends to be glued to your hand 24/7? Yeah, I've never done that....until now. BAH! I feel really silly at the moment. Mostly because I'm twenty-two and I feel like a little girl who's just developed her first crush. Oh goodness...what have I gotten myself into?! That's right I'm apparently a tad twitter patted. So twitter patted that the same song has been on repeat ALL day and I've had the dorkiest grin on my face all day as well. Oh well, he's pretty great.
Fifth:
I'm starting school again! Can I just say that I am not looking forward to having homework again? (that means less time to talk to said boy!) It's an English class I'm taking online so that means more time in my silly glasses. Oh well, it had to happen at one point in time. We'll see how it goes. Brit Lit here I come.
Well that's all the updates for now. Night blogger world.
Friday, August 19, 2011
bbbbblllllllaaaaahhhhhhhh
I have been horrible at updating this thing lately! Has it really been a whole month since I've last blogged? Yep, look at that. One whole month. A whole lot has happened too. A whole lot of GOOD stuff.
First thing.
Pepe has slowly been dying the death. For those of you who are completely lost at the mention of Pepe, that would be my beloved little honda. I don't know if I should jump for joy or be a little sad that the poor thing has pretty much given up on me. I always wanted a new car (which btdubs car shopping=pain in the rear!), but I've driven the car for 4 years...I'm kind of attached to the thing. Bleh. Highlight on this one though is I'm looking at a car that I've wanted since I was like 12. BOO-YAH! 2010 Silver Jetta? YES, PLEASE!
Second thing.
I met a boy. Go a head let your jaws drop now. I know, I know I wasn't looking for anyone, but it's a little hard to not look at a super attractive guy who you see almost everyday. He is so amazing. I'm extremely lucky to have him in my life. He treats me like a princess and is more than I deserve. Lucky doesn't cover it. I<3 him.
Third thing.
There's a chance I might get a new job. After almost four years in the same department (actually it's been 44 months, but who's counting) it's time for a change. I posted out for 3 positions on the bank side of Discover and 1 sticking to CSE. Cross your fingers, cause it's time for a change.
I guess that's really all that has happened in the whirlwind month of not blogging. I know some of you want more details about one of the wonderful things that made my list, but I'm going to be a little selfish and not share any more details...maybe later :)
First thing.
Pepe has slowly been dying the death. For those of you who are completely lost at the mention of Pepe, that would be my beloved little honda. I don't know if I should jump for joy or be a little sad that the poor thing has pretty much given up on me. I always wanted a new car (which btdubs car shopping=pain in the rear!), but I've driven the car for 4 years...I'm kind of attached to the thing. Bleh. Highlight on this one though is I'm looking at a car that I've wanted since I was like 12. BOO-YAH! 2010 Silver Jetta? YES, PLEASE!
Second thing.
I met a boy. Go a head let your jaws drop now. I know, I know I wasn't looking for anyone, but it's a little hard to not look at a super attractive guy who you see almost everyday. He is so amazing. I'm extremely lucky to have him in my life. He treats me like a princess and is more than I deserve. Lucky doesn't cover it. I<3 him.
Third thing.
There's a chance I might get a new job. After almost four years in the same department (actually it's been 44 months, but who's counting) it's time for a change. I posted out for 3 positions on the bank side of Discover and 1 sticking to CSE. Cross your fingers, cause it's time for a change.
I guess that's really all that has happened in the whirlwind month of not blogging. I know some of you want more details about one of the wonderful things that made my list, but I'm going to be a little selfish and not share any more details...maybe later :)
Friday, July 15, 2011
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